Supporting Your Child Through Crisis and Loss
This past year has certainly involved a great deal of uncertainty, change, and loss, which means that most of us have experienced our share of anxiety, fear, sorrow and more as we navigated this strange new world of a global pandemic. We have likely had to dig deep into our tool belt of coping skills and possibly found a need to learn to cope in new ways in response to the stressors brought on by 2020.
The reality is that this has not suddenly changed with the turning of the calendar year. We have all experienced some type of loss due to this pandemic, and as time has gone by, many of us have seen COVID-19 hit close to home with friends or family members getting sick or dying.
It’s challenging enough for us as adults to cope with these situations, but what about our kids? My clients often ask for advice on how to talk to and support their kids through the difficult reality of a friend or family member becoming very ill with COVID-19, and the good news is that there are some simple and practical ways that we can help our kiddos during this time:
1. Find out what your child knows/has heard and ask how they are feeling about it.
I always encourage parents to get curious when starting any important conversation with their kid. We often make assumptions about what our kids know and understand, and usually we are way off! So, getting curious can help us know where to start. (“Well, I wonder what you have heard about…”. “Tell me what you know about…”. “How have you been feeling about that?”)
Click here for a useful resource in helping children and families identify their feelings.
2. Correct your child’s misconceptions and provide information and context.
Once you have gathered information about what your child knows and how they are feeling, you can then focus on correcting any misinformation or misconceptions. Kiddos are great at coming up with their own answers in the absence of information, and because they have a kid’s understanding of the world, they are often wrong. Their misconceptions might be contributing to fears or feelings of guilt. So, it is important for us as parents to give accurate information and provide context to help them fill in the gaps, as well as challenge inaccurate or unhelpful beliefs.
3. Normalize and accept your child’s feelings.
When our kids are dealing with difficult situations, it is sometimes our inclination as parents to want to protect them. Unfortunately, our desire to protect our kids and make them feel better often results in us invalidating their feelings. An important part of a child’s emotional development is consistently receiving the message from caregivers that their feelings are important, normal, and understandable. It is actually our job as parents to name and reflect back to our children the feelings that we see them experiencing. When a child doesn’t receive this, they can internalize shame: “Everyone else seems to be feeling just fine, so what’s wrong with me?” So, when facing difficult situations alongside our children, focus on acknowledging their feelings (whatever they may be) and tell them it’s okay and understandable that they are feeling that way.
Click here for a useful resource in helping children and families identify their feelings.
4. Fred Rogers: “Look for the helpers.”
Fred Rogers from the famous children’s show Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood said that his mother always encouraged him in the face of crisis or disaster to “look for the helpers.” In nearly all situations of crisis there are those individuals providing help, care, and support. This reality can provide comfort and security, and helps to shift your child’s focus from the scary and unknown. No matter how bad the situation, there are helpers – the doctors and nurses providing treatment and care, scientists developing treatment and vaccines, school administrators and teachers creating plans to safely attend school, friends and family who are there to love, support, and listen. There are always helpers!
Click here for more on looking for the helpers from The Fred Rogers Center.
5. Reassure and connect with your child.
During times of loss or uncertainty, it is common for children to need more reassurance and connection. You may find that your child is clingier or even regressing in some areas. This can be a cue to focus on connection with your child. Spend time with them, take a little extra time at bedtime to snuggle or rub their back, and assure them that you are with them and they will be okay. It is important for parents to provide concrete reassurances during uncertain times that remind children that they are safe and cared for, and that they can count on that even when difficult things happen in life. Another helpful thing to remember is to stick to your routine, as this will help provide a sense of comfort and familiarity.
Click here to dig deeper into how to help kids deal with anxiety.
6. Empower your child to do something to help or show concern.
Provide your child with opportunities to help others. Children are better able to cope and heal from crisis and loss when they are able to help and show concern for others. Helping provides kids with a greater sense of control in their world and combats feelings of helplessness. It’s also a great lesson in empathy and builds self-esteem! So, encourage your child to make a card for that sick family member or allow them to help prepare a meal for someone who has experienced a loss.
—Michal Anne Whitcomb, MA, LPC
Michal Anne Whitcomb, MA, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Dallas Counseling Group. Michal has a Master of Arts in Counseling and has been working with adults, children, teens, and families since 2008. Michal has a special interest in working with clients struggling with anxiety and grief and loss, but she has experience treating a wide variety of issues including depression, adjustment, self-esteem issues, crisis, domestic violence, abuse, and trauma.